Ch19: Undecided

Last year, about the same time I were to decide whether to make a very important step in my life, and how exactly to step forward.

Now I'm sure I didn't make the best of choices.

Maybe pushed by my parents' expectations, or the ones of my friends, I decided to go to university - the proper thing to be one by a good school girl, by one considered 'smart' and 'wise'.

A year later I'm wondering if I, in reality, am 'smart' or 'wise', 'responsible' the least.

I'm not sure if I really wanted to go to university at first place - but what else could I have done? I'm not sure, actually I'm convinced that I'd better had gone to some other place but here...

It's about time for me to set my mind in one direction, and one direction only.

What made me think all of that is the fact that I, along with other 7-8 people from my course are undergraduates. the rest 40ish have already passed through that, have found good jobs in our studied field and attend uni only to get better degree, or a second one in their studies. That puts me down. Makes me feel out of place.

Maybe, just maybe that's a good thing - a way to push me back to reality, back to the 'system'.

And here I wonder what to do next.

Fuck it all, shout at my parents' faces and pack my stuff back to Bulgaria and plunge myself in the cursed circle of nine-to-five working day, wondering how to make ends meet. A choice that would mean throwing away both money time and dreams. But those are not my dreams.

I seem to have no real dreams, nothing to make me go forward - just an old leaf floating downstream, unsure when it all will stop, when trapped between two up straight rocks will offer it to the mercy of water. Water is merciless.

The other choice offered is for me to bury my head in the books, beat my head when tempted by the carelessness and push my way forward to something meaningful - a research degree in a reputable place - say Manchester.

The choice I should make seems OBVIOUS, but what I do want to do I don't know. I don't have the slightest of ideas about that. Torn between the desire to stay and be close to the world of today, to a way that can literary keep me alive or at least conscious of my well-being, and the scheduled everyday of the workaholic rendered of any desires - pseudo slave of the position above.

I know I should not regret the choices made in the past and strive to make the most of them, but thing is that I don’t know what I want.

Diagnosis: UNDECIDED