Posted 31-05-09 at 22:41 by Enso
I have no idea why I'm writing this.
Maybe it gives me a little closure, maybe i just want some attention. I really don't know.
All of you probably know me as this big dog, the one with the cocky attitude, the one with a mean and sinister reply to everything and the one who outsmarts everyone in a convo just to brush up his ego.
That's not even really me. Who am I? I have no fucking idea. I'm pretty much a puny human, not so much my body (cuz damn, it's pretty fucking huge) but by how I feel.
I feel hurt, I feel lonely and even when for some reason it actually starts to feel a little good smething comes my way to crush it. To crush the last piece of happiness I still have.
I go through daily struggles, and mainly my depression is caused by my parents. They seem to not know, or they seem to try and get me like this.
Because you see, some might have known that my childhood was never that good. At the age of two my parents seperated. My mother always told me my father was a no good man who fucked with other woman before they seperated.
And my father told me my mother was a bad woman who drinks and is always in money problems.
I don't know how much of this is true. From expierence my mother is always in money trouble, and she drinks like booze is water.
After living with my mother for years, who physically abused me and always took my little brothers side in everyting I decided it was enough and that I wanted to live with my father. I thought I could lead a happy life with him and his wife, my stepmother.
Well, it's hell.
Everyday my parents have some sort of way to make me feel utterly useless. They say mean and nasty things to me, they piss and moan about everything I do.
Especially my step-mother. She nags about everthing. Earlier this night she heard bleeping noises coming from my computer, my sound was off. She came upstairs into my room to screech and bellow in my ears that she wanted to sleep. She then proceeded to hit me because I had a spoon up in my room.
My father, he doesn't care much. Whatever that woman says is like a holy prayer to him. He takes her side in everything.
My father likes to spend time telling me that she will always be his first choice, and that I'm simply just a seed shot out of his cock in my mothers womb. Which he then says should have ejaculated in the fire.
He told me to jump in front of a train like two weeks ago.
My stepmother continues to beckon me to move out of the house, that I'm making their lives difficult and that I am only a block to them. Useless piece of shit and the only thing I do is consume.
I go to bed every night feeling sorrow and pain. Not physical pain, but pain of not having parents. Oh yes, I have parents.. but I don't consider them to be real parents.. they share not a single ounce of love for me. The only thing they're good at is giving me a roof above my head and food. And hell even I have to get that myself at times.
I just wish I could have grown up differently. I would have been a different person, I would have been a happier person. Maybe I wouldn't wish myself not to wake up when I go to sleep, maybe I wouldn't think of an easy way out.
The only thing good in my life is Joyce. I hope this will last, my heart beats for her alone. If she's out of the picture, there won't be a picture much longer.